8:33 – Obama: We can’t characterize each other as bad people. We got folks on payroll for that.
8:36 – McCain: From a tiny ACORN grows a mighty choke.
8:37 – Obama: Was in swaddling clothes when Ayers went boom. Couldn’t pick the guy out in a lineup. I’ve heard of ACORN, I’ll let you know what I know. I gave them legal advice in their efforts to dilute the quality of voters. So what? McCain, you’re sad and desperate.
8:38 – McCain: Bill Ayers is your mother. Is too. Facts are facts. ACORN.
8:40 – Obama: Biden perhaps finest public servant to serve public in a capacity of service to the public. Having come from Scranton, he sticks up for the little guy.
8:42 – McCain: America knows and loves Sarah Palin. I don’t, exactly. Here are some things we agreed to say about her, such as: “She’s a reformer.” A bref of thresh tear. Would be President of special needs. First dude. Right on!
8:44 – Obama: Qualified? LOLZ! Trig’s screwed if you freeze spending.
8:45 – MCain: Joe’s in fact not qualified in some respects. Obama couldn’t describe a dollar he spends it so fast.
8:45 – McCain: If Canada buys oil from Venezuela we can buy from them. Tiny flags visible on oil molecules in barrels. Easily in 7,8,10 years we can not buy some things.
8:48 – Obama: Yeah. Me too. If you ever doubted that I am insufficiently backward to be an American president, let me repeat. Borrowing from slopes to payoff camel jockeys mortgages our children’s future! Subprime mortgages our children’s future. I’m in favor of free trade except I am totally not. I favor trade war with Koreans.
8:51 – McCain: Free trade, yeah! Obama never been south of Duluth. Doesn’t understand no brainer trade with Colombia unless its up his nose.
8:53 – Obama: I get Colombia. Labor leaders under the gun. I stand for agreements larded with political demands irrelevant to trade, thereby ensuring less trade, and fewer gains therefrom. For justice! Energy independence is a magical magic that will magically make magic money.
8:54 – McCain: Obama sucks like a Hoover.
8:56 – Obama: Health care the issue that breaks your heart. And my plan will put it back together. FOR FREE! In fact, you could get cash back for every heart repair. Points to put toward vacations, or the latest electronics. Health problems make you RICHER in the Obamacracy.
8:58 – McCain: I’m convinced we should do a lot of things to make health better. I am alarmed by young fatties and will implement programs to make them jog at gunpoint. Hey! Joe the plumber. Obama wants to fine you if resist his wortwhile Canadian initiative.
9:00 – Obama: Cash back for the little guy! Ding the big guy. Joe! You still there? I have a plan to give money to plumbers who make under $250,000. I won’t tax your free money. McCain wants to increase your pretax income, stupidhead.
9:03 – McCain: Joe, you’re rich! Obama will thieve you blind. Senator Government wants to be boss of you Joe, but I want Joe to be the boss of you Joe.
9:05 – Obama: Free!
9:07 – McCain: No litmus test. I will find the best American judges in the world, babykillers included except not.
9:08 – Obama: I won’t shit you. It’s gotta be my boy Sunstein.
9:11 – McCain: We’ve got to squash the values of the people I disagree with. You know, change the culture. Obama votes present on precious little babykilling.
9:14 – Obama: I support a ban on abortions in the 10th month. Let’s prevent unintended pregnancies. Against cavaliers.
9:15 – McCain: “Health of the mother” code for MURDER. What a stretch. Mother’s don’t even have health.
9:16 – Obama: We can’t invade Pakistan with dummies, so we close the achievement gap by seizing children from crib before idiot parents can ruin them. Also pay teachers more, accountably. Make college even more superfree. And hey, parents have got to…
9:18 – McCain: Choice and competition against educational Jim Crow. Throwing money at the problem like Alabama cop with a firehose. Kill people, then destroy childen’s hope.
9:20 – Obama: Tradition of local control is great, and the Feds should help control the locals so they can control themselves like they want. Younger kids in the meat grinder. More money for the blades. Vouchers won’t work because… yeah, no. Youth are not an interest group. The future. And marketing demographic.
9:23 – McCain: Washington DC. Vouchers. NCLB great except for the all the CLB. More money isn’t the answer. Head Start is great, but let’s reform it! Transparency, accountability, rewards alakazam! Precious little autistic children with autism which Sarah Palin knows about and we’ll hire Lysenko to find a cure with transparency, accountability, and rewards.
9:26 – Obama: Shut up about the vouchers pest. Don’t you know who I work for?
9:27 – McCain: Healthy discussion. Friends, it’s difficult for you so you need a new direction and my record of taking on those who offend my honor will make health care and education happen while spending less which is 30-year adjustable rate mortgage on your progeny. McCains don’t even KNOW how not to put country first. I’ll secretly be relieved if I lose.
9:29 – Obama: Risky to not have fundamental change. You people are awesome. Love you. I will give you things. And energy economy will be magically delicious. We’ve got to come together to sacrifice to pay for for the free stuff I will tirelessly work to make you sacrifice for.
9:30 – Moderator: Vote for a false sense of efficacy.
Verdict: Obama: D.E.F.E.N.S.E. McCain: Hey, I tried.
I am disgusted with my weakness and democracy.